What I Have Learned (February 3, 2014)

Twenty two years ago I thought that I was facing the biggest life challenge of my life, and nothing would ever match it again. War took away the life I knew, the people I loved and grew up with. It’s hard to imagine that one day you live a comfortable life and the very next day you’re left without anything. Then in a few days’ time, the winds of life brought me to a completely new life in a new land. I wish that nobody face these types of challenges ever again, but these challenges turned a spoiled girl into a strong woman who always believed that tomorrow will be better and it will bring sunshine to my storm.

Back then I witnessed hopelessness, despair, and death. I witnessed the destruction of everything I knew and believed in. War has no rules, has no empathy, and has nothing but complete destruction of the world around it, a destruction of people and of society as a whole.

When the war machine was destroying parts of my country, I refused to believe that it could come any closer, that it could come to my door too. I chose to believe that people would stop it somehow, and that those in charge wouldn’t let it continue. Not understanding back then that the people are all of us, myself included, I continued watching destruction on tv, empathizing with those who were suffering, and continued with my daily life, thinking, like many others, that there is nothing I could do to stop it.

When its clouds came closer, many were still in denial, and I was one of them. I used to think that my voice couldn’t change anything, and I became a part of the mass who was thinking the same.

Now, twenty two years later, I’m witnessing something similar – hopelessness on people’s faces while facing foreclosures and evictions. I’m witnessing disinterested faces of those who are not facing these issues and are turning their heads the other way, going about their daily lives.

I have learned that our lives are interconnected, and that every single step, every decision, can change the outcome of not only our personal lives, but the lives of those you don’t even know.

I have learned that hope can never be destroyed, even in the midst of the biggest and darkest fights we’re facing.
I have learned that you can’t be friends with everyone and that is ok. But you have to be a friend to yourself in order to survive and carry on.
I have learned to stop being afraid of my intuition and instead start believing in it, start following it without asking myself too many questions.

I have learned that when you choose to be in the front rows, there will always be those who criticize you, make up stories about you based only on their personal paranoia, trying to stop you for their own reasons.
I have learned that these people and situations are there to challenge you – the Universe wants to see what are you made of. Are you really on your life’s path? How much can you take? Are you going to give up because of unexpected static around you?

I have learned that as long as you believe in yourself and your fight for justice, nobody can stop you but yourself. You’re your own judge and jury.
I have learned to stop asking myself why. It’s not my job to answer those questions – I know the answers.
I have learned that a majority of people are your friends when you are following your true path, being objective and true to yourself and your mission.

I have learned not to judge, never to say “I would never do that” – nobody knows the circumstances that bring people to some decisions. If I can’t help you in your fight, I certainly won’t make it worse.
I have learned to detach myself and accept situations that I can’t change; to move on without suffering and pain.
I have learned that by doing this, you’re not a coward, but someone who understands how important and precious time is. Our deeds are the most important thing that will be left behind us as a witness.

I have met so many incredible people through this fight; many will remain my lifelong friends. I have learned that people will come to you and not only share their stories, but give you support when you didn’t even know how many dark clouds were coming your way. I experienced wonderful friendships and trust from those I’ve never met, and you are always in my mind – you know who you are.

I have learned that this fight makes you or breaks you, brings out the strongest you that you never knew existed; but it can also break you completely. We never know where our breaking point is. Be careful and don’t ignore the signs – everyone needs a break from the fighting ring, from time to time.

I have learned that my hope is still here, and that is the thing that can never be destroyed.
I have learned about meditation, detachment from results, and how to find happiness again.
I have learned that walls are not around us, but within us first. Once we break our inside walls, everything becomes easier.

I learned through this process to free myself of those chains invisible to our eyes, but very heavy on our souls.
I have learned to love my fellow brothers and sisters, to understand their sorrows behind so many masks.
I have learned that only together can we move forward as a society and build trust again, build a new life for our kids – we owe that to them.

* * *

At Home in Our Hearts

“Is a House really a Home when loved ones are gone?”

It’s been a long time since I left my homeland and the home where I was born and grew up.  Somewhere, deep inside, I never left and I’m still there, stuck with memories of the time past. Yes, it’s possible to go on with your life and pretend that you’re living, while you’re actually just enduring life. Life gave me the opportunity to go back to that place after many years have passes, but that familiar feeling of coming home was not there anymore. Standing in front of the brick house, going inside and seeing familiar walls sent me into uncontrollable sobs…Years had passed since I left, since I ran away from death and from the worst nightmare. I went back after ten years…for ten long, never ending years, I have dreamed about a moment when I would go through that door again and find the missing piece to a puzzle.

I was always hoping that going back home would allow me to reconcile two lives, the past and the present, and build a bridge between vanished time and the new me. While standing there on the threshold of my childhood, I looked around realizing that this was no longer my home. The walls and furniture were familiar of course. I knew every square inch of that place, but the warm, secure feeling of belonging was not there. Shadows from the past were spinning around me, but a sense of detachment was unbearable. Was I being robbed of my home again? What was I expecting?

Losing forever that sense of belonging and security was devastating and left a void in me to remain my constant companion forever.

Maybe our real home is within ourselves, deep inside every one of us. I am still on the path of healing and growth. Having realized that you don’t come prepared for this life, that there is no user manual, makes it easier to look forward.


* * *

“Finally” Understanding – a conversation between my friend Doug and me (February 12, 2014)

Doug: We must move forward without fear to show the Universe of our trust in that we have been delivered a task to which the Universe feels we are ready to take on. So, we must take it on!

Me: wow, Doug this is amazing! I was just thinking about this a few min ago – I must go forward towards light, without fear because I trust my mission, I trust the Universe and I’m grateful for my journey!

Doug: You must go forward towards the truth and do so without fear, because the Universe never gives you something you cannot handle.

Me: But, what about those who kill themselves under pressure or have a mental break down

Doug: Hence, the without fear. I did not say it was easy…without fear means that you release the pressure and trust that you will make it through because you are never given anything that you cannot handle.

Me: I’m getting there Doug…I was never afraid of anything, but I was so mad, angry, and that was a great distraction for me; finally for maybe last 4 weeks I’m smiling again for nothing and for everything – I’m finally understanding it all – why somethings are not happening on my schedule and how waiting can be so beatufiul!

Doug: Yes, patience is a virtue. It isn’t that you are “finally” understanding, but have been learning in which that you now know are ready to understand more of which you already knew. When you release the “schedule” and be in the moment, of each moment, you will always be on time and never have to wait.


4 responses

13 02 2014

Thank you Doug for this comment, for your friendship which helped me along the way also!

12 02 2014
Doug Boggs

Senka, you are an inspiration! I thank you for stepping into your abyss and finding the desire to move beyond what you don’t want to see, but head there anyway! The strength you possess is something that most only dream they might have when the time is necessary. You are exemplary of that strength and it passes itself on to others.

You are the initial ripple in the waters of time which through its own energy connects, augments, and redefines itself through momentum and expansion.

I am grateful for your service to humanity. I am grateful for your strength, perseverance, determination, compassion and curiosity as a human being.

4 02 2014

thank you Shirlie, may God bless you too 🙂

3 02 2014

Amen, God Bless you Senka!

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